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Waiting

How much time in your life do you spend waiting? Waiting for someone, waiting for something...

I think a big part of my life goes to waiting...

When I was much younger, and when dad walked out on the family, I waited. I cried and I waited, hoping that he would return one day.
Mum soon busied herself with work and came home late. I also waited by the window for her everyday, just to catch the first glimpse of her. While waiting, I cried too. I cried because I was scared that she would leave me like what my dad did.

I hate waiting - it is, to me, an agony. It reminds me of the hateful past.

I waited for the day dad would change. I waited for the day he would do his part as a dad. I have been waiting for nearly 20 years, but to no avail.

I hate it when I have to wait for my friends to turn up for our appointment. I hate it when I have to wait, without doing anything constructive. I hate it even more when I don't know what I am waiting for.

I think a huge chunk of my life is destined to be allocated to waiting. The hubz has to travel very often. And I always have to wait for him to return. Sometimes fearful that he would leave me and not return to me, just like what my dad did. 

I am so afraid of being alone while waiting - because the mind plays tricks. The thoughts runs wild.

I just simply have to digress here, because my neighbour is bathing and I can see his silhouette clearly. He was cleaning/scratching his balls, then shampooing his hair. And now he seems to be lathering himself. In fact I am quite offended and have half the mind now to march over to his unit to tell him to darken his windows.

And now as I type, I am also waiting. I refuse to let my wild thoughts take control of me. I refuse to succumb to the thoughts.

Half of me believe that he's still busy with work. After all, he's on course, and what are the chances that they'll make him stay back till so late just to finish up a presentation? Definitely not in the civil sector - where it's not a dog eat dog world. Besides, all the men has family to take care off and to go back to. I don't think the instructors will work so hard themselves.

The other half of me is the one that I'm trying so hard not to succumb to. Could he be out somewhere else? Could work just be a cover-up to meet his friends? Could he be out having fun now? I know my hubz has not lied to me regarding his whereabouts before. I know I can trust him. I hate myself for having such thoughts - but yet, at this point in time, I can't seem to rid them.

But perhaps, trust was what my mum gave my dad - that he turned out to be who he is today. That my mum has been waiting for him all this while while he has been gallivanting outside? 

I just hope that my waiting will not be in vain.

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foolsparadise
--=Quixotic=--

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